


Between a Rock (a cremetorium) and a Hard Place (a sex shop)

by Anonymous



Category: Marvel, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: 2020, American Politics, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Four Seasons Total Landscaping AU, Gen, Humor, I apologize for this holy shit, at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:41:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27608482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Peter is the poor stressed-out teen working at a landscaping company for some extra cash. He really didn't mean to be complicit in turning America into the laughing stock of the world.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 64
Collections: Anonymous





	Between a Rock (a cremetorium) and a Hard Place (a sex shop)

“Peter.” MJ narrowed her gaze. “What did you _do_.”

Peter blushed and brushed his neck. “Nothing?”

“Then what the hell is going on outside? Nothing?”

“Um… yes?”

“Peter.” MJ rolled her eyes. “Tell me what happened and we can fix it.”

Peter sighed. He was just the guy who worked the front desk—he’d picked up this job to make a few extra bucks here and there, he never really expected anything big to happen. This was supposed to be the easy job; the one where he could come in, answer a few phone calls, schedule some lawn work, and then leave at the end of the day, unburdened. He really, _really_ never expected it to go like this. 

“I might’ve accidentally let them schedule a press conference here and now Rudy Giuliani is on his way and he’s gonna be here in like twenty minutes and _ohmygod_ Twitter is blowing up and I’m gonna lose this job and—”

“Peter. Stop.” MJ pinched her nose. Peter honestly didn’t know how he’d managed to make friends with her—she was undoubtedly ten times cooler than he was. Her long dark coils were gathered in a bun on top of her head, and her leather jacket looked very out of place in the landscaping shop. But somehow they’d still met at the deli down the street when their lunch hours crossed over. Thus began their strange friendship—the sex shop worker and him, the guy who answered the phone at Four Season Total Landscaping. 

Somewhere along the way, they’d picked up Johnny, too, who ran the crematorium on the other side of the shop. It was the strangest friend group that Peter had ever been a part of, but it kept his life interesting. 

“Explain again what happened,” MJ said. She crossed her arm and tapped her foot against the floor. Even under her black and red mask, it was clear she was frowning in disapproval. 

“Um. Okay.” Peter took a deep breath. “So. Someone might’ve called us asking if this was the Four Seasons? So I said ‘yeah, of course’. And then the guy on the other end started going on about how they wanted to schedule a conference this afternoon so I just said ‘sure, why not’.”

“You didn’t think to correct him?”

“Okay, you remember last month, how those kids just kept calling and calling asking to book hotel rooms? I thought it was just them again. So I went along with it. I didn’t think it was real.”

MJ shook her head. “Honestly, Peter, I don’t know how the fuck you manage—”

The jingle of the bell cut her off. In the front door strolled Johnny Storm, who worked in his uncle’s crematorium next door. For a guy who worked around dead people, he was always surprisingly sunny and bright. Today, though, his eyebrows were wrought with concern. “So, uh, does someone want to tell me what the _fuck_ is going on? I was going over my schedule for next week when three guys the size of tree trunks in suits and sunglasses came storming in saying they needed to ‘secure the area’ like it was a movie or some shit.

“So I told them to get lost,” Johnny continued, “because I was like, 99% sure that it was a prank, but _nooo_ they have to pull out their badges and get all up in my face about it. So I figured I’d come here, too, to see if they were giving either of you any grief. And what do I see when I go outside? _A fuck ton of press._ ”

Johnny squinted at both of them. “Did one of you attempt to... uh—“ Johnny’s eyes darted around the room, as if he were looking for a microphone— “‘unalive’ someone you shouldn’t have? Because I really don’t condone that kind of shit and _holy shit_ it could be bad for business—”

“Of course not,” MJ cut in. “It’s worse. Peter here invited the president to come here.”

Johnny laughed dryly. “Good one.”

“No really.”

Johnny stopped laughing. “You’re shitting me.”

“It was an _accident_.” Peter pulled on the ends of his hair. It was a mess, already, completely unlike Johnny’s carefully styled locks even at the best of times. Now, though, he’d given up completely on any sense of order. “I didn’t invite anyone! They called me. And the president isn’t coming here… just Rudy Giuliani.”

“Guliani?” Johnny groaned. “That rat?”

“Yes.”

“Shit.” Johnny shook his head. “You shouldn’t have opened the door for that native New Yorker.”

“You couldn’t turn them away?” MJ looked desperate.

Peter shook his head. “I mean, I guess I could try. But business has been slow lately and they’re paying us Four Season Hotel rates.”

MJ rolled her eyes. “Peter, I don’t know how the hell you managed to do this. I mean, half the world is losing their minds online. You can’t make this shit up.”

“I don’t know how I did it either! I’m the 19-year-old who answers phone calls. I am a _child._ I didn’t mean to cause an international scandal before my lunch break. Which I still haven’t gotten to take!”

Johnny shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s kinda on brand for 2020, isn’t it? I mean, if this happened last year, I’d say no way. But now? Who gives a shit. I mean, I’m not taking anything off the table this year. We’ve had murder hornets. World leaders almost dying—maybe. Mysterious drones in the sky. They literally released videos of UFOs and we all just kinda shrugged because at this point, nothing will shock people. You know what happened on the second day of this year? The Pope slapped a lady. Anything can happen.” 

“Doesn’t mean it should,” MJ countered. “I’d like to not feel like my brain is turning to mush for like _one_ week. I can’t handle any more psychic damage.”

“I don’t know,” Johnny said. “I say bring it on. I mean what’s next? Destiel being canon?”

MJ snorted. “Like _that_ will ever happen.”

“Please stop.” Peter pressed his fingers to his temples, as if that could somehow fix the irreparable damage in his mind. “I just need to get through today. And hopefully, I’ll still have a job tomorrow.”

“If you don’t, you can always start a TikTok account,” Johnny offered up. “Actually—shit. That’s a great idea. Official Four Seasons Total Landscaping TikTok, Twitter, and Instagram. Maybe merch too?”

MJ pulled out her phone. “On it. Hopefully they’re not already claimed.”

The desk phone rang again and Peter screamed internally. “I’m never gonna make it through this year.” 

“You will,” MJ promised. “You just have to focus on living to spite everyone else. We exist and we’re gonna make that everyone’s problem.”


End file.
